Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today's society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today's post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate...face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating." Here's some more organic dumbassery for you, "said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals."

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, "Nice global warming we're having today".

Then the other organic dumbass responds, "Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?" If I weren't busy heaving up breakfast, I'd find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, "I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren't."

The response, "Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let's live in sin together!" An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don't want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu...as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom!

Learning From the Wise

I trust that you all had a kick ass but safe Memorial Day Weekend. I know we did here at the Dumbass Dome...except for "The Sleepover". One of my neighbors is a divorced Dad who like, sadly, millions of other Dads around the country see their kids only on weekends or whatever. Divorce is a bitch and nothing good can come from it except for the sudden loss of 130 pounds of ugly fat. And by "ugly fat" I mean the soon-to-be ex-wife.

Anyway...my neighbor has two little girls about the same ages as my two daughters. All four of these little girls really like each other a lot and are very fond of one another. Also, just like my neighbor the Dad, my kids see his kids when he does, so we have a double edged sword here. Do the kids visit Dad the Neighbor or have a sleepover at my house?

The Sleepover won.

Dammit.

All four of these little girls are great kids, but they are after all, kids. Girl kids. Ages 5 - 11. All in one small apartment. Together. Overnight. You see where this is going and believe you me, it went there.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was, shall we say, a hectic weekend. No we shall not say "hectic weekend", we shall say "tortuous weekend". However! I learned two very valuable lessons this weekend.

Lesson 1) Never again.
Lesson 2) I am a Dumbass.

Sayings

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms

• Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

But Wait! There's More!

• Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
• Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 Finally

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.

Ted.

I mean...

Dumbass.

Memorial Day, 2012

Heroes

You owe these guys your Freedom. Today, we honor them.

The ID a Dumbass Game!

Dumbass criminals are a dime a dozen these days. Everywhere you look, a dumbass criminal is sure to be nearby. Hey! That gives me an idea! My idea is a spin off of the old "Watching People at the Mall Game" or for brevity's sake, WPMG. You can still play WPMG but while you're doing it, you can add a whole new dimension to it. While playing WPMG, you can also play "Look for the Dumbass Criminal at the Mall Game"! That's right, folks! You can take the WPMG one step further by trying to guess which dumbass in the mall is not just a dumbass at the mall, he's also a dumbass criminal at the mall! What fun for the entire family! Not only will your family be having a great time together at the mall, but you'll be doing a Public Service as well. By identifying a potential dumbass criminal, you'll be helping local law enforcement to stop many crimes before they even happen! And to think that all this family fun time is absolutely FREE. A bargain at twice the price! Bwahahahahaha! Another benefit to WPMG and IDing dumbass criminals is that you can text your findings to all your friends! Or even post them to Twitter! Who knew that crime fighting and dumbass identifying would be such a rush?!

Here's a helpful hint for you while playing WPMG and finding dumbass criminals, be sure to sit near the food court. Every dumbass in the mall and every dumbass criminal in the mall will, at the very least, pass by the food court. Location is a very important component to WPMG. You want to be a in target rich environment and the food court offers that and more! Also you'll need to be inconspicuous while playing WPMG, so be sure to mix in with the mall crowd by ordering a slice of pizza or a big tub of popcorn while dumbass criminal IDing.

I'm sure that in all the excitement of writing about WPMG and dumbass criminals, I forgot some help hints to pass along to you, but at least you have the basics down, and that's what's important. So, good luck in your WPMG and dumbass criminal identification! Your country is calling on you!

Dumbass. :)

Dumbass Psychic, Dwarf Tossing & Door-to-Door Boob Exams

Best of Dumbass from October 15, 2011

This week's outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. frakkin' hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for "Dumbass of the Year, 2011" is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It's a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it's the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the "Dumbass of the Year" award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don't really know yet. If you have any ideas I'd love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who's dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

• Dumbass Psychic - Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the "Dumbass of the Year" rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
• What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you'd think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you'll agree. I promise.
• Door to Door Breast Exams - This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn't make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.

Remember to let me know if you have any "Dumbass of the Year" nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <-----back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

"Sweet Cheeks" - Prison Bitch

Dumbass Detector

Origianlly Posted April15, 2011

What's with all the dumbass criminals today? I mean it seems like we never hear of bad guys that at least have an IQ above that of a steaming pile of dog poop. maybe that's why so many crooks are called "shit for brains", I don't know. So many of the dumbasses we hear about today are the ones whose sisters and brothers are also their aunts, uncles, and cousins rolled into one. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

One would think that even the most dumbass of dumbasses would know that technology today is some how going to record your every damn move, especially when you commit a crime. Why in the hell do you think that the security Room at your local WalMart looks like NORAD in there? These businesses are serious about this shit. Shinki's Nail Salon in Queens,NY is no exception. Shinki's doesn't have all the latest surveillance equipment, but they do have a small security camera, which I presume made it an easy target for a dumbass crook like Kevin Cheeks. Cheeks robbed the place and thought he had it made when he jumped in the owner's van, stole it and went about his merry way. This is where technology comes into this story. The van had a GPS unit in it! Kevin's freedom was about to become a short-lived thing. Cops used the van's GPS to follow Cheeks all around NYC until they caught up with him and busted his sorry, criminal dumb ass. Kevin's "reward" for robbing four people of their valuables and Shinki's of $300 cash was to be found guilty by a jury of his peers in less than two hours. Now Kevin's little excursion into the life of crime will cost him up to twenty years in prison.

Kevin, however, will never be lonely as our favorite inmate Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams has been notified of Mr. Cheeks' impending arrival at prison. Leon is very excited to have some what he calls "fresh meat", that he has a cute new nickname for Kevin when he finally gets to the Big House. Sweet Cheeks. Not Kevin Cheeks anymore. Sweet Cheeks. Sweet Cheeks, you are for the next twenty years Leon's little play pretty. Have a nice day!

Dumbass.

Dumbass "Vacation Sex" Getaways! Let Me Book Your Trip!

Survey Says.....!

One of my favorite sayings, and I am big on sayings, is that life is like comedy - it's all in the timing. Well, slap me down and call me shorty (another saying I like) if blogging ain't like comedy too. The timing part that is.

Let me splain.

I got today's story in my email yesterday and, lo and behold if I didn't start up a new blog yesterday too. The story for today is about vacations and sex and my new web site is about vacations and sex! Well, the new blog, The Lower 48 (Plus 2), is actually about vacations, but I suppose that you could have some really good Mad Monkey Sex at some of the places I feature on the site. But, I digress.

"Gettin' Some" on Vacation

Zoosk.com, the romantic social site, which is another way to say "a get laid site", recently conducted a survey of 1529 adults ages 18-49 on the subject of romantic vacations. Seventy-four per cent of the respondents said that the nooky while on a romantic getaway was better than gettin' porked at home. Normally, I would call bullshit and make fun of Zoosk.com, but not this time. I'll make fun of Zoosk.com later in the story. :)

I don't disagree with the findings of this survey for one main reason - routine. Couples who have sex at home on a regular basis tend to slip into a routine that is more or less habitual. So I read anyway. (That's not true for me of course because I am a StudMuffin and Fearless Mad Monkey Sex With Mrs. Fearless Leader Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Enough said.) Whereas while being on vacation in a new, exciting, exotic locale is almost certain to crank up the ole Horny Meter in both men and wimmin. It just makes sense. To me anyway.

I'll have to confer with Mrs. Fearless Leader about her thoughts on the subject.

Here's the Rub

My problem with this survey is where the answerers considered the best places away from home to bump uglies.

Here's what I mean:

• 22% said the beach was the most romantic place to spend a vacation. 
• 15% replied that a romantic city was the deal for them.
• Another 15% said some far-flung locale got them all worked up.
• 9% of the 1529 Dumbasses in this survey thought that staying at a Bed & Breakfast was very romantic.
• 8% (EIGHT PER CENT!) felt that a road trip was the way to go and...
• 5% wanted to go camping for a romantic interlude.

What. The. Fuck.?


Here's What I Think: (in the same order as the results above)

• I don't like sand on my nether regions
• What constitutes a "romantic city"? One with no bowling alley?
• Far-flung? Like Nebraska?
• The only way this can be true is if a couple is engaging in a little "offensive driving", if you know what I mean and I think you do.
• Are you kiddin'? I prefer that guests in the other rooms do not ear-witness the goings on of Fearless Leader Mad Monkey Sex.
• No damn way. What's worse than sand "down there"? Ticks "down there", that's what!

Dumbasses.